


you lift me higher than i could ever imagine

by lostintranslation5



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Insecurity, M/M, Protectiveness, Self-Harm, i rambled a lot, niall/liam/zayn aren't a big part of the story, non-famous 1D
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:44:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3702249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostintranslation5/pseuds/lostintranslation5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A suggested Larry AU, where Louis used to cut when he was younger and relapsed recently, and Harry is always there for him and helps him stop. I wasn't given a specific if Louis was in 1D or not, so I went with a non-famous AU. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	you lift me higher than i could ever imagine

_Just one more. One more drag of the metal blade into the soft skin of the arm._

 

Louis' hand trembled where it held onto the razor blade. He could hear his pulse in his ears, every new beat seemingly louder and more deafening. He didn't even feel like he was breathing, like he was floating in some weird subspace above his own body. Watching the ruby red liquid drip down onto the tile floor of the bathroom was simultaneously relaxing and terrifying. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, not now, not anymore.

 

Everything had been going so well lately. His career was good, he had an amazing family and great friends... it seemed perfect. His job at the theater company was loads of fun, he loved working with the actors and actresses, and everything that went into productions. The stage was his home. He loved being able to step out in front of people and act like someone else.

 

So why did it seem like the perfect time for his head to rebel against him? He hadn't brought a razor to his skin in years, if for nothing else other than to shave. And yet, here he was, locked away inside his bathroom, blood dripping from his arm and tear tracks down his cheeks. It was ridiculous. He thought he had more self control than that. But here he was, back to cutting himself like a child, having started his relapse a couple months ago.

 

Another line wove red over the caramel smooth skin, another fresh ruby bead rolling off to splash against the cold floor. Red tinted blue eyes skimmed down the scarred arm, numb to the pain that had been inflicted. Louis sniffled, dropping the razor to the floor, bringing his clean hand up to rub over his eyes. Enough for today. He wordlessly stood up from the floor, moving to the sink to wash away the blood that was starting to dry on his arm. He winced when the warm water stung the fresh cuts, carefully washing them.

 

He splashed some water over his face as well, in an attempt to hide the fact he'd been crying. It was somewhat successful, enough to make him brave enough to go face his day as normal.

 

The twenty-three year old unlocked the bathroom door, shuffling off towards his bedroom to get dressed into something that wasn't old ratty pajamas. He was only going through line rehearsals today at the theater, so he didn't really have to dress up at all, which made him happy. It meant he could wear clothing that could hide his new cuts, and still look like he was normal. He ended up choosing a cream fluffy jumper, a pair of black skinny jeans and his trademark TOMs. He sucked in a breath when the fabric of the jumper slid over the new marks, taking a couple seconds to try to ignore the dull ache they created.

 

After some thought, he also grabbed a beanie, shoving it onto his head. He was sure he still looked a mess, but he could just chalk it up to not having gotten any sleep that previous night. Surely they'd believe that right? He gathered everything he needed; his scripts, a bottle of water, a small bag of crisps. After stuffing it all into a bag and grabbing his phone and keys, he left his flat, making his way down to the underground to catch a ride to work.

 

Normally he would drive down, but he really didn't feel like being responsible enough for that. He didn't mind taking the underground anyway, and he could always bum a ride from one of his fellow castmates. He clutched tightly at his bag as he scurried onto the train, finding an empty seat and quickly sitting down. The train ride took all of maybe ten minutes, the feather haired lad rushing out of the automatic doors when his stop came around.

 

Just like every day, his brain took him on the exact course he needed to get to the theater. He slid quietly in through the side entrance of the theater, heading off towards the rehearsal studio. A few of his fellow castmates were there already, a few of them reading through lines. A small smile wove over his lips as he took it all in, reminding himself why he loved his job so much.

 

A small ping from his phone made him pause, pulling the device from his pocket and glancing at the screen. He didn't know why anyone would be contacting him now. Most of his friends new it was a rehearsal day, and knew it was going to be hard to get in touch with him until he was done.

 

_Hey Lou, good luck today, I know you'll be the best ever! H xx_

 

Louis smiled, shaking his head. Of course Harry would wish him luck for something as simple as just going over lines. He moved to put the phone away, a second little ping sounding out.

 

_Oh, and I guess Niall wants to have a lads night out down at his favorite pub. Want to go? H xx_

 

The twenty-three year old bit his lower lip, fingers pausing on the keyboard. He knew Harry would know something was up with him, but it might be nice to go out and have a bit of fun for a change. Before he could stop himself, his fingers dances over the keys in response.

 

_Could be fun. Might be nice to see all the lads. Send me details later? L xx_

 

He sighed, turning his phone off and shoving it into his bag. He could deal with all of that stuff later. Right now, he had a job to do.

\--------------------

After hours of reading lines and acting out a few scenes, Louis was so relieved to finally be done for the day. He had gotten so wrapped up in working that he almost forgot about going out with the lads. He had every intention of going home, wrapping himself up in his duvet, and curling on the couch to wallow in self pity whilst watched really crappy reality TV. It wasn't until he fished his phone out of his bag that he saw a few more missed texts from Harry about when they were all going to meet up, and what exactly was happening for the night.

 

He groaned, his head hanging a bit. Right. He read over the messages, responding with a simple okay, and left it at that. After a rather frustrating commute home, Louis made his way up to his apartment. He was honestly starting to regret saying yes to going out. He had just unceremoniously dropped his things onto the couch to head up to the bathroom again when he heard a knock on his door. A frown traced over his mouth as he walked back, not sure who it would be. He slowly cracked the door open, peering out into the hallway. And was greeted by a mess of curly chocolate hair and vibrant emerald eyes.

 

**"Hey Lou! Thought you might want some company before we head down to the pub. I know getting there is a pain, much nicer when you have someone else to go with."**

 

Louis smiled, shaking his head.

 

**"Whatever you say Haz. Come on in."**

 

He stepped back, letting the other boy into the apartment, shutting the door behind him. And was immediately pulled into a hug as soon as his hand left the door handle.

 

**"I don't know what's wrong, but I could tell something was from your texts. Are you okay?"**

 

Times like these made Louis curse Harry's intuition. Honestly, the curly headed kid always knew when something was wrong. They'd been that way since primary school. Harry was the first one who knew Louis liked guys, the first one to know when he started self harming.. his first kiss. That had just been so awkward, Louis had avoided him for days. They were still friends now though, but deep down in the pit of his stomach, Louis knew he still loved him.

 

**"I'm okay. Just stressed out I guess. This play is so different than the others have been, I just want everything to go right."**

 

It was a good thing he went into acting as a living because otherwise his lies would be dreadful. Harry just looked at him with a skeptical eye, but seemed to accept the lie.

 

**"Right.. well, hopefully tonight will help all the worries go away, yeah?"**

 

Louis nodded, his arm starting to itch. That was always the worst part. He hated the itching when his cuts started to scab over.

 

**"Yeah, it should. It'll be nice to see everyone too."**

 

Truth be told, he hadn't seen most of his friends in a while. He always managed to sneak away from any parties or pub nights. More often than not, he really did just want to sleep, his schedule being so busy. And it wasn't like he was trying to isolate himself on purpose. He loved his friends, and loved hanging out with them. In all honesty, he could have pegged his relapse from over stressing about his career. Before he started at the theater company, he'd been clean since he was young. He had gotten through uni and everything with no problems whatsoever. He just hoped that this wasn't going to become a trend whenever he got stressed.

 

**"Lou? Are you listening to me?"**

 

Louis blinked, focusing his attention back onto Harry, giving him a sheepish smile. He hadn't even noticed that Harry had stepped away from his little personal bubble.

 

**"Sorry, zoned out a bit. What did you say?"**

 

Harry shook his head, a small look on fondness crossing over his face.

 

**"I asked if you wanted to just crash on the couch while we wait for Liam and Zayn to get out of work."**

 

Oh, right. Louis nodded a bit, gesturing towards the sofa.

 

**"Sure. Let me just uh, take my stuff up to my room and get changed, and I'll come back down in a few."**

 

Harry seemed to accept that, leaning in to give him a quick one armed hug before making his way over to the sofa. Louis grabbed his things from rehearsal, quickly walking off to his room, dumping his bag onto the floor. He made sure his bedroom door was shut and locked behind him before tugging the jumper off his torso. He didn't know how he was going to make it through the night without scratching his arm constantly. He frowned at the little cuts trailing over his forearm, hating them, hating himself for doing it. He knew he probably wasn't going to get away with wearing another jumper to the pub, so he settled for switching to a thin t-shirt, with a jean jacket over the top to hide his arms. It would have to do. He swapped his black skinnies for a dark gray pair, and shoved his feet into a pair of checkered vans. After a careful assessment of his clothing choice, he headed back down to be with Harry.

 

**"Did the lads have a specific time they wanted to meet up, or no?"**

 

Harry looked over when Louis spoke, shrugging his shoulders.

 

**"I think it was just gonna be whenever they both got out of work. I know Liam's been busier than normal, so might be an hour or so."**

 

Louis nodded, taking a seat on the sofa next to Harry, tucking his feet up under himself. Harry had turned on The Great British Bake Off on the TV. Of course he did. But, he supposed it made sense, since Harry was a chef. The curly haired lad hadn't seemed to meet an ingredient he didn't like. Currently, someone covered in flour was having a proper strop about how their pastry was too fluffy and not nearly sweet enough. Boo-fuckin-hoo. Louis had no sympathy. That being said, he wasn't exactly a master chef by any means, so maybe the contestant's reaction was justified.

 

He snuck a glance over to Harry, who was completely enthralled by the program. He could almost see the wheels turning in Harry's head, storing away new ingredients and new recipes. It was cute. He didn't really notice that he had resorted to staring until Harry turned to look at him, a blinding smile on his lips.

 

**"We really need to have a baking day. I've been dying to try this new raspberry creme biscuit recipe I found in a magazine a few weeks ago. You can be my taste tester!"**

 

Louis chuckled at the idea. Chances were if they did that, there would be more ingredients on them than the actual food itself. Although, he wouldn't lie that Harry feeding him bits of the concoction sounded really hot.

 

**"Sure Haz. Sounds fun."**

 

The grin on Harry's face was well worth the comment. They sat in silence for a good half hour before Harry's phone buzzed. He slid it from his pocket, swiping over the touchscreen.

 

**"Looks like Li's all done for the day, he's gonna pick Zayn up on his way to the pub. Bet you anything Niall's already there, and already drunk."**

 

Louis snorted into his hand, the tiniest little crinkle appearing at the corners of his eyes.

 

**"I'll take that bet. How much do you want to wager on it?"**

 

He expected Harry to say something along the lines of five pounds, or a free day where he could tell all the bad jokes he had in his head. However, he said something that had Louis' jaw dropping.

 

**"How about if we go and he's already pissed, I get to take you out on a date. Either way it'll be a win-win."**

 

It took a few seconds for Louis to calm down his heartbeat long enough to turn and look at Harry, who had a very sincere look on his face.

 

**"W-what?!"**

 

Louis managed to squeak out the question, certain he had heard Harry wrong, or maybe he was just dreaming. But the look on Harry's face stayed put.

 

**"You heard me. I want to take you on a date."**

 

Okay, so he hadn't been imagining things. Harry had actually asked him that. Now he just had to wrap his mind around the fact that Harry actually liked him. The way that he liked Harry.

 

**"I um.. I.. okay.."**

 

If he had thought Harry's smile when he agreed to have a baking day was amazing, it was nothing compared to the one he had on his face. His hands came to rest lightly against the younger boy's shoulder blades as he was enveloped in another hug.

 

**"Thank god.. I thought you might say no."**

 

Louis smiled softly, burying his nose into the crook of Harry's shoulder.

 

**"Could never say no to you.."**

 

Their hug lasted a good couple minutes before they parted, figuring they should actually go meet the rest of the lads. After Louis shut and locked the door behind them, his hand was encased by Harry's. It was different having this sort of intimacy between them, but he found he liked it. A lot.

\----------------------

As predicted, Niall was at the pub, already buzzed. Liam, Zayn, and Perrie were all sitting in a booth they'd managed to find. Louis stopped at the bar to order drinks for himself and Harry, while the latter went to go join their friends at the booth.

 

**"Hey Harry. Good to see you."**

 

Harry smiled, sitting down next to Liam.

 

**"You too Zayn. Hey Perrie, Liam. I see our little leprechaun got a jump start on all of us."**

 

Liam gave a less than amused snort, nodding his head.

 

**"Yeah, came in to him trying to climb over the bar."**

 

Harry laughed, looking over to see Louis trying to bring their drinks over whilst also trying to get Niall to come with him before he caused any more trouble. It took a few minutes, but at least he was successful, resulting in Harry nearly getting a lap full of Irishman.

 

**"Nice to see you too Ni. Ugh, you smell like a bloody keg, get off me!"**

 

Niall laughed loudly, righting himself and patting Harry's shoulder.

 

**"Sorry mate. Just havin' one of the best days of me life! Haven't bought a pint all night!"**

 

Louis shook his head, taking the empty seat next to Perrie, and handing Harry his drink.

 

**"You're a menace Niall."**

 

Niall just shrugged, pressing a sloppy kiss to Louis' cheek, and bounding back off into the crowd in the pub. The night went well, the boys and Perrie all talking about what was going on in their lives, and what things they had coming up. Louis had to consciously stop himself a few times from scratching at his arm. Especially with Harry looking at him every other minute of the night. So when it came time for everyone to go home, Louis didn't think he could have stood up any faster. He gave each of his friends a hug before weaving his way through the crowded pub and out to the street. A large sigh of relief fled his mouth as he walked through the cool night air, every inch of him intent on going home and locking himself back in the bathroom. But naturally, that wasn't going to go according to plan.

 

He jammed his hands into his pockets as he waited for the light to flash so he could cross the street when he heard his name being called out. His head snapped up, looking for the owner of the voice. Then he saw Harry a good fifty paces away, waving to say wait up. His body hummed, partially wanting to ignore the call and run the rest of the way home. But it was Harry. He couldn't do that to him. So he waited.

 

**"Glad I caught you! You left so quickly, I didn't know where you'd gone off to."**

 

He reached out to grab Louis' hand in his own again, starting to walk across the road before the light turned again.

 

**"What are you doing..? Aren't you going home?"**

 

Not that Louis didn't mind the company, but Harry's flat was in the opposite direction.

 

**"Nah, not tired yet, and my flat is so boring. Thought I'd crash at yours tonight. Is that okay?"**

 

Well shit. It was going to be hard to get away with his bathroom habits if Harry was there. But before he could stop himself, he found himself answering Harry's question.

 

**"Sure Haz. Fine by me."**

**\-------------------**

The walk home seemed to take forever after that, Louis wordlessly unlocking the door to his flat so they could both walk in, turning on the lights. He rubbed the back of his neck, chewing on his lower lip.

 

**"I'll um, I'll go find you something to wear for bed.."**

 

Harry shook his head in response.

 

**"S'fine, I'll just sleep in my pants. Are you going to bed already?"**

 

Louis gulped, averting his eyes.

 

**"No.. but I uh.. I do need to use the loo, so um, I'll be right back."**

 

He quickly pushed past Harry, heading into the bathroom and shutting the door. It was a mad scramble to find his razor blade, biting back a whimper when it dug into his arm. It was that odd mix of pain and relief whenever the blade entered his skin. The glint of the metal bounced off the tile floor, his trembling hand causing jagged and uneven lines across his arm. The blade was poised to draw a fourth line when there was a knock on the door. Immediately Louis tried not to panic, trying to quietly to hide away the blade.

 

**"Lou? Everything okay in there? It's been like ten minutes.."**

 

Louis reached over to flush the toilet, trying to make it seem like everything was fine. He turned on the faucet, making noises like he was just washing his hands, even though he was just washing off the blood.

 

**"Y-yeah, I'm okay. Just felt a bit sick, but I'm good."**

 

He tugged down his jacket sleeves, taking a deep breath and putting on a fake smile as he unlocked the door and stepped out to the hallway. Of course, Harry was stood right there, a look of concern on his face. He hated lying to Harry.

 

**"Lou... what were you really doing..?"**

 

Shit. Shit, shit shit.. no, he couldn't ask that. Louis could feel the panic rising in his body, every fiber screaming for him to run, to not confront the problem. So he tried walking past Harry to go to his bedroom. But then Harry grabbed onto his newly cut arm and it took every ounce of him not to scream. Harry must have realized the look of sheer panic and pain on Louis' face because he quickly let go.

 

**"You're doing it again aren't you..?"**

 

It was spoken so softly, Louis almost missed it. He paused to look back at Harry, who was staring back at him with a look that could break your heart.

 

**"I thought.. I thought it was better. I thought you didn't feel like you had to do it anymore.."**

 

Christ now he really felt like an arse. Making Harry upset was one of the few things he tried to never do. He ducked his head, staring at his shoes.

 

**"It was.. I don't know how to stop it.. I'm not strong enough.."**

 

The next thing he knew, he was pulled into yet another hug, this one a bit more careful. Louis squeezed his eyes shut, his hands balling into fists where they were tucked between their bodies. He didn't even know when he started crying, but the next thing he knew he was sobbing and soaking Harry's shirt. His fingers grasped at the material, his body shaking with each sob. He could feel one of Harry's hand smoothing down over his head, the other wrapped tight around his waist. He was thankful for that, feeling like he might not be able to support himself if Harry let go. They stood like that until he was all cried out, just the small sniffle here and there. He let Harry guide him towards his room, sitting when he was gently pushed to the bed, sitting there quietly while Harry looked around for some pajamas.

 

**"Come on love.. let's get you into comfy clothes and get some sleep yeah?"**

 

Louis looked weakly at Harry, his hands wavering to take the offered clothing.

 

**"Y-you don't hate me..?"**

 

Harry's eyebrows furrowed, as if trying to figure out if that was a sick joke or not.

 

**"I could never hate you. I'm not exactly happy you're doing this again, but I'm going to make sure it stops for good. I love you far too much to let you keep hurting yourself."**

 

Louis blinked in surprise. He expected Harry to be pissed off that he started cutting again, expected him to be angry and hurt, not protective and supportive. Or loving for that matter.

 

**"Shouldn't love me.. m'not good enough.."**

 

Louis felt the bed sink when Harry sat next to him, turning red rimmed eyes to meet the other boy's. Harry had the smallest smile on his lips as he brought one of his hands up to cup against Louis' cheek.

 

**"You're more than good enough Lou.. I think you're just about perfect.."**

 

Louis wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't been for the kiss that followed after his words. It was hesitant, and soft, and full of love. Loads different from the one the had shared when they were little. This one actually felt like it meant something. It took Louis a couple seconds to respond, but as soon as he did, he felt like the pain in his chest started to ebb away. He turned his body to face Harry's, his hands bracing against the bed. He almost whined when they broke apart, his blue eyes questioning the green ones in front of him.

 

**"Wow... I um.."**

 

He was at a loss for words. Harry just kept the smile on his face, thumb brushing over Louis' lips.

 

**"Yeah.. wow."**

**\-------------------**

That was a year ago. And what a year it had been. After their kiss, the duo realized that they'd both been hiding some dormant feelings for the other, and after a good week of discussing the pros and cons, decided to try to make it work as a relationship. And after some deliberation, both sold their flats and got a bigger one for the both of them. Louis still slipped up every now and then, but Harry was always there to pick up the pieces. There were many nights of yelling, and crying and frustration. But Harry never left, never gave up. Louis expected every slip up to be the last straw, but it never came.

 

And today was the day of Louis' play, the opening night. He sang and danced and acted his absolute best, receiving standing ovation along with the rest of the cast for their amazing performance. Louis couldn't stop smiling, it was a dream come true. He said his thank yous and goodbyes to the cast after he changed back into normal clothes, heading out to the auditorium seating. And of course, Harry was waiting in the front row for him. With a giant grin, and a bouquet of roses. He swept Louis up into a hug, giving him a big kiss.

 

**"You were incredible love, so proud of you!"**

 

Louis blushed, sticking his nose into the roses to smell them.

 

**"Thanks. I just can't believe how well it went, can't wait to do it all over again."**

 

Harry nodded in response, entwining their fingers together.

 

**"Let's go home and celebrate. I made some pastries and things today, so we could just have a quiet night in."**

 

Louis smiled, squeezing his boyfriend's hand gently.

 

**"Sounds perfect. Love you."**

 

**"Love you too Lou. Always have, always will."**

 

The two walked out to their car, getting in and driving home. It was a perfect end to a perfect beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this was a prompt given to me by an anon on Tumblr, and I hope I did a good job of it!! Please feel free to leave a comment or kudos if you like this story! As a small side note, I am looking for a beta writer on my other fic, A Shot In The Dark. I've been stuck for months and it's driving me crazy, so I could use a bit of help.
> 
> Also, feel free to follow me on Tumblr: louehh-oioi
> 
> Thanks loves! xo


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